Puns!'s topics - tribe.net

Greg

2008-05-09T21:52:17Z

Greg, I have realized that I have fallen completely in love with you. I want to have your baby. If it's a girl, we'll name her Punelope.

posted in Puns! - 24 replies

flowers in spring

2008-05-03T03:02:44Z

There's something I've always wondered. If cyclamen get married, do they have cyclamates?

posted in Puns! - 18 replies

Baseball

2008-04-29T19:19:26Z

anybody else excited about the post season? sorry, wrong tribe.

you know why it's always cool at san francisco baseball games? all those giant fans.

did you hear the giants hired betty crocker to be their new hitting coach? they heard betty crocker makes a better batter. i hear she's also an expert on bundting.

some people say baseball's not important, but hey, they talk about it in the bible. (ever read the bible? it's a good book.) you know, 'in the big inning...'

i took my spanish friend to the ballgame and he said he thought the fans were really polite. 'after they all stood up they asked me 'jose, can you see?'

posted in Puns! - 36 replies

Happy Easter/Equinox/Ostara

2008-03-29T04:21:04Z

So I was at the beauty parlor yesterday and the esthetician was talking about Easter. I was telling her my son is grown so we don't really do the eggs/candy thing anymore, but it is cool that we have our own Easter bunny in the form of a couple of wild brown bunnies that live in our blackberry bushes.

So I asked her what she was going to do for Easter.

And as she came at my eyebrows with an evil looking tweezing device, a twinkle in her eye and a cackle in her voice she said:

"I'm going to pluck a couple of your stray hares."

posted in Puns! - 17 replies

A string of puns

2008-03-28T02:39:01Z

1. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

2. A will is a dead giveaway.

3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

4. A backward poet writes inverse.

5. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.

7. If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.

13. You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

14. Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.

15. He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

16. A calendar's days are numbered.

17. A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.

21. The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.

22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

23. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

27. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.

29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.

posted in Puns! - 3 replies

Pun of the day

2008-03-19T16:30:21Z

The award goes to the Fort Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel for "Spitzer’s Kristen" - the title of a photo gallery featuring the woman who took down Governer Spitzer of New York when it was revealed she was a "lady of the evening."

I can hear the Night Ranger paraody as I type. Had to share.

posted in Puns! - 4 replies

Serious Topic

2008-03-18T18:39:03Z

When puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns.

posted in Puns! - 9 replies

The things people say/write

2008-03-12T14:18:32Z

In an email received today (true story):

Make sure you see Urinetown at the local college. ~ Peter P

Swear to God this was in my email.

posted in Puns! - 21 replies

ahh bakery jokes....

2008-03-01T23:44:52Z

i'm on a roll, just trying to get a rise out of you, if the kneed arises, whats that? oh i didn't say muffin.

posted in Puns! - 45 replies

Presidential Humour

2008-02-18T23:08:50Z

why do cherry trees stink?

cause george washington cut one!

washington: first in war, first in peace, and last in the national league east.

posted in Puns! - 13 replies

Good News for Those of Irish Descent!!!

2008-02-11T15:30:54Z

If things work out the way they could, we could have TWO Irish candidates for president:

McCain and...O'Bama!

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

Sven and Ole

2008-02-07T01:45:08Z

This isn't original and it's a video, but I think it's hilarious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=53YBN8X_sZU

posted in Puns! - 9 replies

Poor sports

2008-02-06T20:09:33Z

Speaking of archery reminds me of the archer who missed his target. He didn't understand the science of arrow dynamics.

posted in Puns! - 22 replies

Occupational Uniforms/Dress

2008-02-02T06:01:31Z

What kind of white coat does a vet wear?

Well, a LAB coat, of course...

posted in Puns! - 11 replies

A challenge

2008-02-02T03:40:10Z

Okay, so this punch line is rolling around in my brain but I can't think of a good build-up. So how about I give you the ending, and you talented punsters come up with the jokes!

Ok, here it is, so puns away!

I'd better quit while I'm ahead.

posted in Puns! - 3 replies

I smell a pun

2008-01-31T00:42:14Z

I'm really enjoying this tribe.
For me it puts the "PU" in PUN.
Keep 'em coming. :>)

posted in Puns! - 14 replies

Dead Celebrities

2008-01-25T15:14:35Z

thank goodness i'm not on heath's side of the ledger!

posted in Puns! - 4 replies

Empirical Statistical Analysis

2008-01-25T00:51:46Z

Our corporation had all kinds of energy. If people are going to use blood and oxygen to exist, well, we are all adrenalin. We took decades of data but guess what, we forgot the subject matter. Wait a minute, there is no subject matter......

posted in Puns! - 9 replies

Riddle

2008-01-18T06:45:53Z

this is from a w.c. fields movie, but i think it's even older than that:

what do a bale of hay and a mouse have in common?

cattle eat it.

posted in Puns! - 16 replies

states

2008-01-09T20:49:45Z

Sometimes when I'm doing online surveys it asks me what state I'm from. I look on the list for
"Confusion" and "Disarray", but their not there. When I can't find Disarray, I look for Datarray. What's up? Kansas see I'm trying?

posted in Puns! - 14 replies

Words are very important!

2008-01-09T20:47:12Z

Father to his six-year-old-son: 'Words are very important. When you talk to your neighbors, just say your aunt likes to crochet. Don't call her the happy hooker!' -Hirsch

posted in Puns! - 13 replies

deer miss manners

2008-01-09T20:45:31Z

Has anyone ever noticed how rudeallof the other reindeer were?

posted in Puns! - 7 replies

Would there be any objections?

2008-01-09T20:43:43Z

Would there be any objections if an insane gay person was put into a straitjacket?

posted in Puns! - 3 replies

Rabbit Humor

2008-01-06T22:33:17Z

This was on my ArcaMax joke page:

What do you call 10 rabbits walking backwards?

A receding hair line.

posted in Puns! - 8 replies

Money in the bank

2008-01-06T22:31:41Z

My husband and I have decided to open a special joint savings account to save up for those special 'date nights' at local hotels. Yeah, it's gonna be our little tryst fund............

posted in Puns! - 7 replies

Cable TV Copper package

2008-01-06T22:23:54Z

I couldn't decide what to watch Oxygen or Spike TV, so I settled with Animal Planet.

posted in Puns! - 1 reply

Calling all geeks

2008-01-05T07:26:27Z

So I was at a potluck last night - geeks, all of'em, but I managed to hold my own:

What's a never-ending string of sausage? A Mandelbrot!

What do you call a 4-sided pumpkin pie? Pie R squared!

posted in Puns! - 24 replies

Business Names

2008-01-05T03:45:36Z

I'm naming my next business venture, an upscale beauty salon/spa the following:

Venus Envy.

posted in Puns! - 77 replies

Did you hear???

2008-01-05T02:29:00Z

Obama's got an oprahning act?!!!

posted in Puns! - 28 replies

sad news

2008-01-04T15:57:34Z

Frosty the Snowman was in the carrot section of his local grocery store. It appears he was picking his nose.

posted in Puns! - 31 replies

Makin' copies

2008-01-04T02:27:14Z

So I needed to make copies but our copier wouldn't sort and staple properly. I finally got the job taken care before the end of the day. I guess it's better collate than never.

posted in Puns! - 51 replies

Where did the Arab park his vehicle?

2007-12-20T22:35:40Z

In the Camel lot!

posted in Puns! - 12 replies

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

2007-12-20T02:26:48Z

It warms my heart to hear the carols -

"Jeff's nuts, roasting on an open fire..."

posted in Puns! - 26 replies

drinks to celebrate with

2007-12-15T17:31:11Z

I was just thinking...if Seagram's came out with a low-alcohol version of their beverage, would they call it, "Sub-bourbon"?

posted in Puns! - 25 replies

new law in Hawaii

2007-11-24T23:36:15Z

They're trying to separate the men from the pois.

posted in Puns! - 23 replies

Folk music

2007-11-13T04:11:52Z

Heard this lyric on NPR over the weekend:

"I'm bacon you to leave me,
You never sausage misery in your life"

or something like that.

posted in Puns! - 35 replies

Twists--try not to shout

2007-11-13T04:11:08Z

Some people sit and cogitate on breakfast--"Cogito Eggo Sum."

Others just vegitate--"I am the eggplant, I am the eggplant ... (who else you think it's a walrus?!)

posted in Puns! - 10 replies

Contradictions in terms

2007-11-13T04:09:40Z

There was a commecial last night for a laundry detergent called OxyClean, that cliamed to have extra whitenting powers . They guy who was touting it looked pretty ragged and disheveled, plus his language was pretty crude, characterics I can only assume were deliberate to enhance the claims of his product's cleaning powers. My husband remarked, "What an oxymoron!"

posted in Puns! - 43 replies

Another random classic

2007-10-31T12:55:46Z

http://www.lsw.uni-heidelberg.de/users/sbrinkma/pictures/you_rock_you_rule.jpg

posted in Puns! - 5 replies

Random classic

2007-10-30T01:48:47Z

http://www.kinnon.tv/cheeses.jpg

posted in Puns! - 15 replies

Mike Tyson

2007-09-25T20:44:35Z

I noticed Mike Tyson was back in the news. I always wondered if he planned to market Tyson ear chunks. I thought what he did at the time was kind of a lobe blow.

posted in Puns! - 4 replies

Court Cases

2007-09-22T05:51:51Z

My friend is at an weekend-long event taking classes, and she called to tell me how it's going so far. One of her instructors is named Duplessy. I said, "So if she were to fight Sarah, Duchess of York on Pay-Per-View, it would be called, 'Duplessy vs. Ferguson.' "

posted in Puns! - 6 replies

PotD

2007-09-19T02:44:47Z

http://twitter.com/punoftheday

Kinda cute.

posted in Puns! - 9 replies

Oh, too bad! Somebody must have punched him down!

2007-09-11T05:58:31Z

I got this on my Arca-Max joke page last week.

Pillsbury Dough Boy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and The Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded." Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers.

He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

posted in Puns! - 1 reply

Worst bumper stickers ever!

2007-09-08T06:09:32Z

Okay, so this isn't actually a puns thread, just a really bad humor thread--intentional or otherwise. And, since puns are the highest form of bad humor, I though maybe I could sneak in a little elicit fun. (License holders are good, too.)

1. bumper sticker: "I Share The Road With Bycycles." What, and the rest of us don't?! What's your point here, other than feeling smug?
2. bumper sticker: "I Eat Tofu--And I Vote." Okay, that one got high marks from me.
3. license frame: (this one is DEFINITELY the worst) "I am Asian, and so is my car." Huh? I felt like leaving a note saying, "I am white and so is my car" which was true, although it was an Asian make. (For what it's worth, my serious boyfriend at the time was Japanese, and later became my husband.)

posted in Puns! - 21 replies

Yooo Hooo!!!!

2007-09-06T22:27:46Z

Where'd everybody go? I suppose Darla had to report to the Puntiff, but what about all the others?

posted in Puns! - 50 replies

wasn't she the fat one?

2007-08-31T21:30:00Z

we all know about posh spice being married to david beckham, but we forget about the spice girl who married the coffee magnate, but apparently she's making a comeback. i saw it in the window of starbucks:

PUMPKIN SPICE LATTE IS BACK!!!

posted in Puns! - 6 replies

Comics

2007-08-31T15:26:33Z

What kind of pickle likes to make bad jokes?

Zippy the Punhead!

posted in Puns! - 19 replies

Husbands

2007-08-16T23:27:21Z

I was recently delighted to learn that the technical name for those 'chair propper upper thingies with the arms' was a husband. so i went to bed bath and beyond on saturday and told the salesgirl 'i'm looking for a husband.' 'so am i,' she said with a smile, 'they usually come in around 12:30.' 'oh, is that when they get delivered.' 'no, they generally bring themselves in.' (finally when i described it as that chair propper upper thingie she was able to help me.)

posted in Puns! - 10 replies

130-year-old outhouses yield treasures

2007-08-10T04:25:32Z

This is number 2 on my all time list of favorite headlines. I saw it and knew that this tribe would run with it.

(Urine for a real treat if you click here for the actual story: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070717/ap_on_fe_st/odd_outhouse_artifacts)

posted in Puns! - 14 replies

Poets

2007-08-04T01:20:37Z

I wanted to Nash my teeth when my pair of Keats got loose in a storm. Instead, I Sandburged the place so they wouldn't drown, and took off after them. When I caught them, one of them said, "what'd you do that for? I can swim like a finch! Shelley, you knew that!"

posted in Puns! - 12 replies

Animated musicians

2007-08-03T16:17:05Z

If Tina Turner were in Japanese animated film using her real name, she'd be Anime Bullock.

posted in Puns! - 7 replies

the bible

2007-07-30T15:55:55Z

all the animals in noah's ark came in pairs, except for the worms...they came in apples!

posted in Puns! - 16 replies

movie star puns

2007-07-18T21:30:12Z

i bought my girl a taffeta dress.

i always wanted to hear rosiland rustle.

posted in Puns! - 37 replies

Anthropomorphism

2007-07-18T21:29:06Z

There was this hired gunslinger named Andy Lope who was quite infamous in the Old West for his fast draw and his even faster exit. On all the Wanted posters the description was: "Andy Lope - Eats Shoots and Leaves"

He always got away though, escaping to play with his deer family at his home on the range....

posted in Puns! - 3 replies

Arabic Women's lib

2007-07-17T15:21:58Z

Recently censorship laws in the Arabic world have been relaxed. Publication of previously censored books has been allowed. Books by Gloria Steinem, such as "Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions" and "Moving Beyond Words: Age, Rage, Sex, Power, Money, Muscles--Breaking the Boundaries of Gender" and the classic "Second Sex" by Simone de Beauvoir are enjoying wide spread readership and discussion. As a consequence of this literary revolution, many women in the Arabic world are growing angry and discontent. A leading separatist women's lib group is trying to create their own country, a matriarchy. It is to be called---

United Arab Fem Irates

posted in Puns! - 11 replies

My Name Is Moe

2007-07-17T02:18:56Z

Moe Ron Hubbard, that is.

posted in Puns! - 22 replies

My punny house

2007-07-14T05:39:16Z

Funny what you notice when you're deep cleaning the outside of the house before re-painting! Especially those windows - what a pane!

Said the casement to the window - let me lift up your sash........I heard you were double hung!

posted in Puns! - 21 replies

Limbaugh in the news

2007-07-14T05:36:00Z

Today's Chronicle headline:

Rush To Rebuild The Maze

posted in Puns! - 12 replies

What does a cat drink in the evenings?

2007-07-14T05:28:32Z

...a catatonic! Helps him stretch out with a nice cold one. The purrrrfect end to the day!

posted in Puns! - 23 replies

Hard Rock

2007-07-13T22:28:20Z

Just heard this on a cartoon.
Metamorphic Rock: "It's so hard to make up me mind. I've been under a lot of pressure."

Groan. Made me log on just to share this with you fine people. Reminds me of the time Watson pointed to a rock with a quizzical expression. Sherlock Holmes, with his usual flair, merely nodded and replied, "Sedimentary, my dear Watson. Sedimentary."

posted in Puns! - 17 replies

Food

2007-07-10T19:52:05Z

I mentioned on another tribe, an old pet I had. It was an olive, and her name was Lucy. She had her own TV show - Olive Lucy! Anybody remember that one? I'm told it was the pits.

posted in Puns! - 106 replies

good gravy!!

2007-07-07T05:15:20Z

have I been away that long? can't believe how many new posts there are.

posted in Puns! - 46 replies

NPR

2007-07-07T02:41:13Z

http://shop.npr.org/webapp/wcs/stores/servlet/ProductDisplay?catalogId=10051&storeId=10051&productId=24539&langId=-1

posted in Puns! - 6 replies

Culture shock

2007-07-05T16:03:45Z

An eastern European man, unfamilar with how to pay a tab in a bar, got tossed out because he ran up a huge bill and couldn't pay. Guess where he was from.......

posted in Puns! - 13 replies

Illicit Love Affairs

2007-06-22T11:23:25Z

I'd to illicit this tribe's comments on the following affairs of the heart:

Tryst-cadekaphobia: the fear of fooling around with ten partners at a time

Tryst and shout: a fab four affair

Plot tryst: a mystery author's affair with his Muse

Tryst fund: Paris Hilton's source of cash, once Daddy cuts off her allowance

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

happy douche day!

2007-06-21T20:16:12Z

"summer's eve"

posted in Puns! - 4 replies

horseplay

2007-06-20T20:14:55Z

Found elsewhere: "that reminds me of a joke about the 'millihelen' being the standard scientific unit for measuring beauty (it's the amount required to launch a single ship)"

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

the old west

2007-06-20T00:35:25Z

how many ears did davy crockett have?

three: the left ear, the right ear, and the wild front ear.

posted in Puns! - 34 replies

Puns, my foot

2007-06-18T17:39:20Z

I have injured my foot rather badly and may even need surgery, so I can't do much these days but lie around. Yeah, it's a lame excuse. They say that humor is good medicine, so I thought I'd come and see what's on the menu here.

Speaking of menus, I often feel like my crutches are two, big chop sticks and I'm just an overgrown wonton.

posted in Puns! - 50 replies

Duel to be kind

2007-06-12T20:10:15Z

True story: I’ve been volunteered for a pun duel at work [whatever that might entail]. Yesterday, one of my co-workers was telling me that her boss felt there was no one here who could rival him with puns. She quickly told him he was mistaken and volunteered me for the aforementioned duel. Not sure yet whether 10 paces or silly hats will be involved.

posted in Puns! - 15 replies

Neologisms

2007-06-12T00:56:43Z

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1.. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2.. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3.. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4.. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5.. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6.. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7.. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8.. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9.. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10.. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11.. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12.. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by procotologists.
13.. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14.. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversations with Yiddishisms.
15.. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16.. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

posted in Puns! - 12 replies

New pic in the gallery; what punishment is fit for this pic?

2007-06-11T14:41:40Z

http://puns.tribe.net/photos/00051699-24a4-43ad-8ff1-1a7f36544b7a

posted in Puns! - 1 reply

Sticky Situation

2007-06-09T23:36:51Z

I was watching a nature show today, and one segment was on spiders. I heard the following:

"...The female is often known to snack on her mate. Well, they do always say to be wary when looking for a mate on the web."

posted in Puns! - 47 replies

"Wolf!"

2007-06-09T00:45:13Z

Three days into a nasty cough, I paid a visit to my primary care doctor yesterday afternoon.

"Sounds like you have a touch of pneumonia," he diagnosed, and sent me packing with a handful of prescriptions. "Oh, and since you're an oncology nurse, you probably shouldn't go to work for a couple of days."

Well, that's all fine and good if one has sick days in the bank, but I don't, having squandered them on activities far more interest-bearing than minding the ill.

Anyway, when I called my Charge Nurse with the news, she excused herself for a second and mumbled to one of my peers, "That's Vicki calling in sick. Again." Then, attention returned, she issued her compounded, if insincere, wish to see me soon and for my speedy recovery.

So here I type, fodder once more for the Rumor Mill, those phlegmatic, blow-hard nurses whose work ethic is decidedly less Machiavellian than mine: I mean, really, can't we all just get alung?

posted in Puns! - 7 replies

Stephen King & John Grisham

2007-06-02T21:11:44Z

If these guys were in a car accident, who would have the writer way?

posted in Puns! - 11 replies

Maid cafe

2007-05-24T04:14:51Z

I live in Japan, and a friend of mine from the US was fond of the Maid cafe phenomenon when he visited. He just wrote to me:

Friend_in_USA wrote:
> Well you can send me a mail ordered Maid girl!
> That's a start!!!

So I responded:
Are you saying you want a Made-to-Order Maid to order around?

posted in Puns! - 42 replies

the puns of orson welles

2007-05-19T04:32:26Z

After all, it's only the presence of an audience that distinguishes a theatre from an icebox -- although you will find a ham in both.

I'm here in London, murdering Desdemona or Shakespeare depending on which paper you read.

-submitted by Mad V. Dog, moderator, Orson Welles Tribe

posted in Puns! - 15 replies

Eh?

2007-05-19T01:14:06Z

A German man named Cana took his girlfriend Lena to Toronto to propose. To the delight of the locals, she responded, “O, Cana! Da!”

posted in Puns! - 19 replies

How did the butter know it was doing well?

2007-05-17T05:15:39Z

It was on a roll.

posted in Puns! - 24 replies

Singles night

2007-05-14T13:09:21Z

i'm having a singles mixer at my apartment tonight...for my sox!

posted in Puns! - 11 replies

Goat tell Aunt Rhody

2007-05-09T14:52:04Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/magazine/6623895.stm

Be sure to read the comments below the article.

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

We Have a Winner!

2007-05-09T04:31:14Z

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest:

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron." The other says "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said," I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up
the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh man, this is so bad, it's good) a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

posted in Puns! - 23 replies

May the Fourth Be With You!

2007-05-07T10:48:18Z

Skywalker Crosses Han Solo

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070503/ap_on_re_as/skorea_high_wire

posted in Puns! - 1 reply

Wildlife

2007-05-05T01:13:21Z

'Tis a subject so deer to me, I can't bear to bee without a pun thread on it! Raccoon be why I'm starting this up! It's hare raising what people can come up with on wild animals. Though, if I catch anyone loading on the bull, I'll have to rabbit by the horns! And some pig is bound to boar us to death! Either way, I cat see this being detrimental to the tribe! Even I would go to bat for more animals here - (I have a radar for such things)!

posted in Puns! - 13 replies

Now serving...

2007-05-02T01:57:21Z

A couple of kids tried using pickles for a Ping-Pong game.
They had the volley of the Dills.

posted in Puns! - 6 replies

the world of literature

2007-04-30T15:57:50Z

did you hear charles dickens and thomas pynchon collaborated on a novel?

Oblique House

posted in Puns! - 45 replies

A Hard Hobbit to Break

2007-04-26T20:47:12Z

Hey - I hear Sylvester Stallone's next project is the prequel to the Lord of the Rings trilogy. It'll be called Rocky Bilboa.

posted in Puns! - 10 replies

Dogs

2007-04-26T19:24:03Z

what song do you sing to the owner of a daschund?

'whoopee tay aye a, get a long little doggie...'

posted in Puns! - 48 replies

New pics in gallery

2007-04-15T19:37:50Z

Nancy just pointed out this tribe to me so I joined and I posted a bunch of the pun-filled comic strips from my portfolio I've been working on to get syndicated. Hope you all enjoy them! :)

posted in Puns! - 0 replies

Mal-Practice

2007-04-05T01:22:36Z

So I had this terrible day at work Sunday, a major meltdown.
You'd think I was selling Grilled Cheese Sandwiches.

So, I exclaim to an irrate customer:

"I knew I should have been a doctor!"

He looked at me: "Yea, what's that got to do with anything? Where's my breakfast!?"

I looked at him: "At least that way, I could've had patients... Instead, I've got no patience, and I guess you're not a doctor either?!"

posted in Puns! - 18 replies

To all and sundry....

2007-04-02T17:05:45Z

HAVE A COOL YULE !

(N.B. NO pun intended.)

posted in Puns! - 15 replies

Also Sprocket Zarathustra

2007-03-30T20:50:05Z

In my younger days, putting the words "nutcracker" and "bicycle" together had a painful connotation. Today, I'm turning the wheel full circle to wish all fellow punsters a Merry Christmas:

http://www.speciali zed.com/bc/ microsite/ holiday/index. html

(Make sure your speakers are turned on).

posted in Puns! - 35 replies

Relationships

2007-03-28T15:30:01Z

A man confessed to his wife that he enjoyed cross dressing and was going to be performing in drag as Liza MInelli.. She told him she was OK with it, and proud of him for telling her the truth instead of hiding it from her. She did have one request : "I just want you to always be Frank with me."

posted in Puns! - 21 replies

That's what's cookin

2007-03-26T04:01:55Z

Martha Stewart was just on TV making cranberry tarts. She started by making a slurry. I found myself wondering if there would be fringe on top.

posted in Puns! - 25 replies

E-mail Puns

2007-03-26T01:18:46Z

This is true.

Today, I received a notice from our assistant pricipal that he was attaching a prefecting schedule for the next few months. But, as often is the case, he forgot to attach it.

I wrote him a short email that said, "Tom, I hope nobody gave you a hard time about forgetting the attachment. After all, nobody's prefect."

posted in Puns! - 37 replies

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon.

2007-03-25T05:35:25Z

As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and s! hook hi s head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!!

"The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00.

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

Corpse Blimey!

2007-03-25T05:29:50Z

LONDON (Reuters) - A passenger in first class woke up to a shock when he found himself sitting near a corpse on a British Airways flight, newspapers reported on Monday.

Paul Trinder, 54, said cabin crew moved the body of the elderly woman from the economy section where she had died after take-off, the Mirror and Sun said.

"The corpse was strapped into the seat but because of turbulence it kept slipping down on to the floor," Trinder, a businessman, was quoted as saying. "It was horrific. The body had to be wedged in place with lots of pillows."

The woman's daughter was also upgraded and spent the rest of the nine-hour flight from Delhi to London grieving next to her dead mother, the Sun reported.

The Guardian said the incident happened last week.

British Airways has apologised for any distress suffered, according to the reports. The Mirror quoted BA as saying: "We apologise, but our crew were working in difficult circumstances and chose the option they thought would cause least disruption."

posted in Puns! - 20 replies

Operas you may never have heard

2007-03-24T05:20:06Z

Un Ballo Emascula
Ariadne Obnoxious <may be a Peter Schickele oldie>

posted in Puns! - 22 replies

Doing Someone

2007-03-22T11:00:11Z

I laughed the other day when a friend said her ex-husband was coming over to pick up a check. She said he would probably consider whether or not I was doing her.

That phrase always makes me laugh. It reminds me of the phrase "Seeing someone."

So, I ask the question? May we engage in the punning of the phrase "Doing" or "Seeing someone?"

When you are done, does that mean I should take you out of the oven or does it mean I should take myself out of the oven (as if I could
reach that far), or maybe it means it's about nine months later and my seeing you has caused quite a stir?

When I go for a walk, I end up seeing a lot of people, does that mean I am cheating?

posted in Puns! - 18 replies